gathering strength

My daughter has been given a list of nutritional recommendations by her acupuncturist. Good luck to me in working to help a teenager change entrenched behaviors. Especially behaviors about food, and factoring in an eating disorder, and years of obesity and despair and pain.

This morning I walked through a doorway - literally, from the kitchen where I was making food according to the recommendations, to the dining room where the lists were spread out on the table - and I suddenly, piercingly, felt the presence of my mother and grandmother, and I instantly burst into tears. They are here, somehow. They are going to help me, I feel. Some mother-wisdom from the other side is going to toughen me up for this. I feel my determination taking form. I am preparing myself for a conversation with my daughter.

This is not just about food. This is about many interconnected things. First of all it's about her taking responsibility for herself, learning how to be healthy so she can take care of herself on her own as she matures. It's about her learning how satisfying it feels to not run excuses, to show up and step up instead of running away and hiding, not just about food but in all the ways she needs to take care of herself. It's about keeping the commitment she made to work with this practitioner, and honoring herself in that - and it's about allowing me to work with her and support her in that. She has to meet me. She doesn't get to just complain that she doesn't like oatmeal - she's gonna help me come with something she likes better.

I am going to tell her that it's her job to work with me cheerfully and creatively. It's my job to listen to her and remind her of her commitments. It's both our jobs to make it as much fun as we can, play music, share the good food, be there for each other. We can do this.