A new "right" of passage

I am done taking my daughter on family vacations. By last summer, she already seemed too old at 15 to be told: this is where you're going and when and who you're going with. She's not quite at the age where she can manage her vacation planning and trips all by herself... but I guess this is the transitional time in which she will learn how. This year, I am going to Vermont for the family visit over New Year's, but she is not - she is going to Florida to visit her friend Olivia.

A related development is that Laura has told her dad she does not want to spend any of her winter holidays at his house. She wants to have a "normal" vacation at home in Oak Park for at least part of her two weeks off. I approve of this. She will see her father on Christmas, and they can visit back and forth as much as they like, but she shouldn't have to pack up for an extended stay out there, away from her friends, away from her room and her stuff, away from the nice perks we have here, like our health club two blocks from home. She's not portable like she was when she was 10. Her life is here, and she is old enough to claim her right to this life.

Last summer, I had interesting and thoughtful conversations with my family about Laura's need to choose for herself about family visits. My stepmother, who has a certain gift for honesty that I often can truly appreciate, commented that she and my dad do not really want the older teens to visit if they don't want to. I think this is wise. They know that the children love them (they do!), and the children know they are welcome and loved by their grandparents (they are!). The issue is whether the teenagers will enjoy a family holiday in rural Vermont, or whether they will actually be kind of drag to have around. My brother and his wife are sad to lose a playmate and helper for their two younger boys, but they are realistic and very understanding. We will all miss Laura, but we get it.

Strangely, the one who is most resistant to this new policy is my ex-husband, who tried to persuade Laura to go to Vermont this winter by offering her a free ticket to Florida for the week before Christmas, if she would also go to Vermont with me. He said that he is trying to reinforce the importance of family for Laura by doing this.

I wrote him an email to explain that I was not willing to take Laura to Vermont unless she wanted to go, and also that my family as a whole had already agreed on this. He responded oddly, I thought: "She knows that if she really wants to go to Florida then she will really be wanting to go to Vermont too." Hmmm. Maybe to him, her agreeing to go to Vermont in order to get a free ticket to Florida is the same as her wanting to go to Vermont. But not to me, and not to her.

It seems well worth it to contribute some money to Laura's ticket to Florida (Merry Christmas, Laura!), and very satisfying for Laura to be able to pay the rest herself from her babysitting jobs.

Autonomy: priceless.